Monday, 25 June 2012

A GIANT leap for cakes and assorted beverages - nah just messing, we're far less productive than that.

Hey there dudes and dudettes, boys and girls(and those people who are questionable as to which.)!
I. I have dream. A dream where blogs do not need to be over 30 lines. A dream where a humorous capsule of text and images can be read and enjoyed at the kitchen table (much like a youtube V-Log), without becoming tedious and feeling like work began half an hour early. I have a dream that one day, blogs can rub shoulder to shoulder with youtube videos, and if you stood between them, the blog would have the more expensive deodorant. Now today, children of the ether who still understand that these spherical protrusions on your face can be used to help achive intelligent and humorous thought of their own doing (to a certain extent) without the need to have it inserted through the medium of the pupil, through a funny fat man or an attractive woman (aka YouTube)! Today, this dream has come one step closer to fruition, one step closer to being reality - I have decided to begin kwik-blogs! These will contain all the necessary humour and mild swearing that is usually encompassed in my (some would say amazing - but then again, some would also say that they saw Elvis in their garden going through the bins.) usual blogging antics - however in a far quicker and easier format, that will be easier to read! Today, my MOB (minions of the blog), we make a small fullstop for a blog, but a giant profanity for the blog kind - FUGGICK.
There, that's it out with.

(Amalgamations - get in!)

Friday, 15 June 2012

Help the little creatures, it's hard enough for them not havingopposable thumbs!

Hullo, numerous people who made the poor life decision of reading this blog!
Seeing as I have sooooo many regular readers of my blogging antics, I propose to you that you go to this page and proceed to give it all your money and shizzle dizzle!
Here's the link - - go give your money and stoof to help some very endangered orangutangs - if not for me, do it for them, and their cute ginger little babies - daww baby Orangutangs, coochycoochycoo - what? sorry I was just imagining baby Orangutangs... then imagining insulting their intelligence with long streams of untelligent spewing.... just forget it happened, ok? Here, have £5 to *cough* forget about it.
Right, so this is a really, really good cause, and please gift any money you can manage in these difficult times. And I leave you with ten minutes of creativity from myself.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

The peanut mega corps are coming...

Hello Ladies and Gents, boys and girls -

Today I'm here to talk to you about whatever random shizzle dizzle gets caught waiting for the next bus out of my brain, and has had to spend a few hours weathering the cold, damp and multicoloured storms that have a penchant for candifloss that call my mind home(The strange thing is - I don't even particularly like candyfloss....).First on the agenda, is peanuts - yes, peanuts - I have a theory regarding the so called nuts of the pea which, I'll have you know, aren't actually nuts at all - they are actually Legumes, a small breed of creature that look like Goombas (From the the popular game that rhymes with bario), except they're short, fat and have an eating disorder.).

Legumes, eating disorders and all...
They are actually, genetically modified to taste irresistibly good with every form of alcohol, except for the people with a "peanut allergy" as they are actually people who are resistant to the genetically modified Peanut's taste,and are gradually being wiped out by the peanut super-corps of death!
I also have a theory that if you fed a cow a peanut, and managed to stop it from deficating for over a week a whole peanut plant would pop out! However I haven't currently built up the courage to attempt such a feat, as to be honest with you, that is disgusting.
On the subject of absolutely disgusting news headlines, whilst I was prowling the darkest recesses of the internet (Where people like Justin Bieber go to feel at home) I found this news headline from Franklin county regarding a former deputy. Joseph M. Cantwell, 38, pleaded guilty to health-code violations for giving Joseph Copeland a bologna sandwich that had been rubbed against another prisoner's penis. Fortunately, the deputy who gave an inmate a sandwich with a bit of extra meat in it has been fired!
Right to wrap things up, during the time you took to read this blog post a cake fell out of the sky killing 3 hawaiians and a pig, 2 blind men found out why not to walk across a golf course and a young boy called Billy got hit by a bus - 30 people died in the accident, but Billy was unharmed.
until next time,

Monday, 7 May 2012

Crusty Concrete.

Bill wandered down the street, the pouring rain soaking him through. His trainers squelching as the droplets raced to finish their pilgrimage, if only because nothing in the shoes (including the giant 2-year old verucca that was semi-sentient.) could scare them more than what they saw while passing the grimy slums that were Bill's boxers. A dog howled in the distance, making the scene eerily climatic - well as climatic as a street in south Doncaster could possibly dream of being - as smoke danced across the roof tops (either burning leaves or bodies - the latter was probably the most likely.) and the stars flashed their cameras whilst the moon stood off in the distance, hunching it's shoulders against a cold that Bill couldn't even imagine. A thought crossed the moon's unbelievably ancient mind; 'how ungrateful the Beings were, with their street lamps and torches, as unappreciative now as they werre in their infancy'. The moon promptly resolved to wrap up in the clouds and take the night off, wandering over to Mercury to get pissed on Sunshine.
The moonlight promptly went out on Bill, causing him to trip and fall towards the unforgiving concrete.

And the concrete thought to itself; 'Bugger, now the street cleaners are going to come back.'

a.k.a. Wess Lei Jardaim.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

World Cup prospects beware...

Hello again assorted things that call the Internet their home!
Whilst I was watching the Chelsea vs Liverpool game today, something occured to me - now, it may have already occured to the whole population of the world, but as things go this one's a doozy, so let me catch a break and have a little read.
Ok. In my opinion, Britain (Referring to all it's countries' teams just to make things easier) is probably not going to win the World Cup again given the current attitude of clubs in the UK. Fact (In my opinion - so basically, not a fact at all.).The way Professional football in the UK is working at the moment has quite a striking resemblance to the attitude of the world banking market of a few years back - in essence, it is dealing in that which it doesn't really have.any claim to (with regards to the World Cup side of things.). Britain has a fair few leagues and all these players who -in the FA cup and the like- will play for British teams and Leagues, and that's fine. The only problem is, seeing as such a large portion of the higher end players are not actually of British birth, when it comes to tournaments such as the World Cup they are obliged to play for their home countries. This causes Britain a problem - now I'm not saying that we need to stop them from playing in British leagues - I just feel that if the professional clubs put more of an incentive on bringing up players from the amateur clubs, we would -over time- build up a group of players that (hopefully) would be at a standard that when the World Cup came round, we could give the world at large a good kicking to the curb, and stroll out of there with a nice piece of silverwork! I honestly feel that this is possible, despite the current professional football climate, and hopefully Britain will see this change come about in relatively few years - but only time will tell.
Well, I'm afraid Mogs (Minions of the Blog.) that is all we have time for! Tune your PC (And basic - level reading capabilites) in next time for dazzling acrobatics, amazing stunts, half a cheese sarnie and a packet of crisps(All through the medium of text, of course!)!
See ya!

Friday, 6 April 2012

American Girls

Hello again peoples of the internet!
This is my blog post numero.... umm- two. As you may be able to tell, Spanish really isn't my strong point, mainly because I'm about as Spanish as a Frankfurter sarnie. I did plan to post this yesterday, but I had a rough day so did the only thing I know how, and procrastinated.

On the plus side though, it did have a slightly positive impact as it helped me decide what to talk about-

"but what is this thingy that you will be speaking about?!" I hear you cry? Well, wait and see, my hombres!

First of all - I heard today a song that came out in 2000, and in some ways is quite controversial ( well, if you American, that is) - did cha guess? well I dont care, I'm gunna tell you anyway - its Greenday, American Idiot - I used to love this song when I was a little whelp in the sea of life that is a popular supermarket chain's fish aisle. Whilst I was reminiscing to years gone by, where I sucked my thumb yet still tried to look like a bad ass, it occured to me, does the world actually view Americans as idiots? So I popped onto a search engine, and it came up with some interesting stats;

-The national average IQ in America is the lowest amongst the developed countries hitting at 98, below 22 other countries (including Switzerland, United Kingdom, Germany, Japan, North Korea and China)

-Also the mathematical skills are a weak spot, coming in at 483, beating Portugal (466), and being a very large amount off the top ( Finland - 544) -

-Finally, a special report by ABC found that an average Belgian child scored better in numeracy and scientific skills than a skilled American child -

So maybe that stereotype is actually partly correct ( However I would take those facts with a pinch of salt, as they came from the internet, which is the only place trolls can survive after their natural habitat was destroyed, and so are very angry and tend to attempt to get revenge by tricking people!)!

Recently It also occured to me (After trying my darned bestest to give my friend some tips on a girl - unfortunately, I'm about as useful in this situation as half a pack of skittles and a bacon sarnie, which I am not eating at this exact moment in time....) that when people give you "tips" on girls, they often probably aren't very reliable (Mr. obvious strikes again!), considering that it's at best based on their own experiences, that most of the time probably didnt turn out too well in the first place either! This spurred me on to go a-questing in search of genuine ways to tell if a girl likes you, and here are some of the fruits of my labour!

Body positions that show physical attraction are legs crossed and pointng towards you, one or two feet paointing towards you, or their torso squarely facing you. (Also more blatant stuff, such as making excuses to touch you while speaking - warning, this isn't necessarily a good thing!). Also the closer the person the more interested - however the amount of personal space in social interactions can differ in different cutures, and so if you don't know the persons background, this one isnt quite as reliable.
Eye contact is quite a good sign - if they make regular eye contact but also linger on certain facial features such as the mouth or hair it can show them trying to learn more about you. Another common eye behaviour is making eye contact and looking away - this is more common in women than men, particularly younger women. however it can also be a sign of feeling awkward, and so if they look up to make eye contact again after looking away, this how you can be more sure that they are attracted to you. The final clue with eyes is pupil dilation - however remember to take into account other factors such as lighting in the room and if alcohol has been consumed. There are also many indicators in the face, including a (brief) raising of the eyebrows, parting the lips slightly, nostril flare and touching the face near the eyes can all show attraction.
Overall though, the best method is to ask, but looking at body language can help you guage whether to pose the question and decide if your sending the right signals out.
Well - If you guys are still breathing after that barrage of information, and aren't so snowed under that your brain doesn't need some metaphorical resue dogs to dig you out from under that metaphorical avalanche of facts, then congratulations! Here is your prize - nothing! Woo!
Well, hopefully next post I won't have half as many facts to throw at you, so good day, good bye and good bloody night!

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

In the BEGINNING ....... I had no idea what to do!

Hello thar! This is ME (No brainer numero uno!)! Ok, ok, time for a (Proper-ish) Intro - this is how it goes isn't it? Aw shucks, sure it is! My brain.... is more than a leeeetle bit crazy. in fact more than a leeeetle bit, probably a biiiiiig bit! But- like all brilliant things, despite it being largely useless, it does have some moments of brilliance where it spews out various philosophical observations, thoughts and feelings that I feel may be interesting to defecate a webpage with - I mean, everybody wins, right?  Of course not, but just like idiotic warring nations, I'll keep ploughing on until someone gives in... or falls over! Or both! Now that would be... well not all that interesting!
 But yeah, that's basically it for today I'm afraid (Assorted cute animals shed a tear) - I had to just do this in a spur of the moment kind-of situation, as if I tried to do it properly I'd never get it done.
So I plan to post on Tuesdays, Thursdays and either Saturday or Sunday (I just figure that its worth at least trying to get some order) about God nows what and who knows why -
So now that's it and I'm off to delay doing important things - Procrastinator - Away!!!!!